rachelatarms (rachelatarms) wrote,

Between Control and Cancer

Times exist when it’s very hard to be an optimist.

Of course, I’ve never been an optimist. My method of dealing with situations that could turn out either good or bad is to assume that it’ll be bad, in hopes that if the bad does happen, it won’t hurt as much. The problem is that it doesn’t work.

As it was, when I did was at Regionals for mock trial, I knew that there was a very low chance of my team moving on. I assumed we’d lose. When we did, it still hurt. A lot.

I can’t learn my lesson, though, because to this day, I assume the worst. It’s exhausting, and not something that I recommend doing. I’d prefer to take a neutral view of things, if only to make Stuff easier, but it doesn’t work that way for me.

As some of you might be aware, one of my grandfathers is currently very, very ill and the other, although doing fine now, has also had troubles recently. We’re not sure what’s going on with either of them. Even if we did know exactly what has happened, though, it wouldn’t make a difference--I still can’t do anything.

All that I can do is stand aside and watch as life goes on. I can’t stop the tears from falling, whether out of my eyes or my family’s, and I can’t force the hands of time to stop or break or turn back. Life doesn’t work that way. The issue is entirely out of my control. The only thing that I have control over is my response to it.

I hate it.

At the end of the day, I can’t shut down the thoughts that run through my head. I can’t just turn off that part of my brain that says maybe if you had done this, that wouldn’t have happened or you can fix this, you just won’t or something equally absurd. There is nothing in the world that I could do, through my own agency, to stop cancer.

I’m a passable public speaker. I can do a decent job at convincing people of this or that because I can control what comes out of my mouth, and--to a relative degree--I can control how they receive it, through word choices or so on. I can control the papers I write. I can’t directly control whether or not my professors like me, but by being engaging, studious and diplomatic, I can increase the chances that they will like me.

I can’t control this. Can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t. No matter how many times I write that, it doesn’t make it easier to accept.

It’s easy to get existential in this sort of situation. When it comes down to it, I don’t make a difference here. What happens will happen regardless of me. I don’t matter here. I have no idea when I do, but I know that I will do what God wills of me, regardless of the outcome.

I have to accept that this is not about me. It’s not about my control over stuff.

I’m just not sure how.
Tags: cancer, control, love

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