rachelatarms (rachelatarms) wrote,

Five Ways to Study

Since so many people have asked me over the past few days how I manage to run for president, go to school and avoid destroying the world all at the same time, I've decided to give everyone my top ten study tips. Everyone knows it's better to get lower grades than higher ones because then you don't have to live up to as many expectations, and suddenly that B- you didn't work for is a boon from the gods. Do you ever feel stressed out? Are you tired of having to live up to so many expectations?

Here's a way out. 

5. Daydream
No one really wants to listen to a prof when it's a beautiful day outside. What's the solution? Why, daydream, of course! You can be anyone anywhere at anytime--what could go wrong? Have a fellow student you really don't like? No longer is that person a student, but instead an alien warlord come to enslave earth, and only you and your spiffy Eraser of Doom can stop them. 

4. Doodle On Your Notebook
Tired of your same old notes? Easy! Get a nice big pen and start doodling dinosaurs and wiener dogs with antennae and wheels. Carnivorous sunflowers are also a favorite subject. Paper airplanes made out of math homework are also a good distraction. See if you can successfully launch the papyri equivalent of an F-14 over your professor's head, and you'll be golden!

3. Study With Friends 
It's a universally acknowledged fact that studying with friends, preferably good ones with whom you can talk about absolutely anything, is a sure-fire way to not actually study! Don't want to study European History? Great. Grab a friend or two and instead talk about the minute details of mathematics in its function as a religious organization (i.e. precalc!) including all of the ways in which you can answer the wrong thing!

2. Bake
Everyone knows that nutrition is of utmost importance for students, as it helps your brain to function at its peak. So, to this end, I recommend baking. There's nothing like a sugar-laden, chocolate-frosted fudge-filled powdered-sugar-sprinkled brownie to give a jolt to the old noggin! You get bonus points if you find a way to put caffeine in. Sure, it won't help you remember stuff, but it keeps you awake long enough to practice your flash cards while peeking through your fingers. 

1. Procrastinate
Why do procrastinate today when you can do it tomorrow? There are so many things to be done, and homework's pretty low on the list. Sure, you could study for that plant biology exam, but why do that when you could reread the appendices to Lord of the Rings? Alternatively, if that goes by too fast, teach yourself Quenya. When asked why you didn't get your PBio homework done, just say that you're expanding your cultural awareness. Alternatively, there are a variety of methods of avoidance, all of which I've practiced to an art. For example, a google search for "Calvin and Hobbes" reveals hours upon hours of side-achingly hilarious comics, all just begging to be read. 

And when you've done all that, you can still listen to random music from the Ancient World (read: 1970s) and get overly emotional. 

What? You were expecting ten? Oh, sorry. I got bored and quit. Besides, I started at #5, so if I put |10|, I'd have to go into negative numbers, and we wouldn't want that. No, I'm not Attention Deficit--ooh look, a kitten!--what was I saying?

ATTENTION: My lawyers are making me say that I am not responsible for your grades if you follow my advice. This post was supposed to be funny. I only follow my own advice when I can afford to. Don't do what I do, because I'm dumb. And if you get Cs on your next test, you can't say I didn't warn you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go slave over my studies again. Oh--and if you do decide to follow any of my advice, call me, and we'll procrastinate together.
Tags: humor

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