Tags: humor

Dear Overlord (vol. 2)

Dear Overlord,

My mother-in-law is coming to visit, and she’s super critical of my housekeeping. It’s only for a week, though, so I need to find a way to cope. Any suggestions?

--Meryl

Meryl,

As I see it, there are two solutions. The first is that in order to eliminate both sources of stress—housekeeping and mother-in-law—you could simply drop an atomic bomb on your apartment while said sources are inside. However, given that atomic bombs are scarce right now, the second solution may be more to your liking.

You see, Meryl, the world is full of idiots, and it seems that your mother-in-law may be one. If this is the case, then I recommend taking several things: first, a bottle of whiskey; second, a sharpened sword; and third, a cat. The whiskey is for when you inevitably must confine yourself to avoid harming the woman, the sword is for when you feel violent impulses to stab cushions, and the cat is so that you have someone who can understand the dullness of the creatures around you. Further, as you have a mother-in-law, I would assume you also have a husband whom you find at least slightly tolerable. If this is the case, then find this husband and make him, as your underling, deal with the mother-in-law.

Also, everything is made more fun with explosives. Just a thought.

—Overlord

Dear Overlord (vol. 1)

Dear Overlord,

I recently transferred to a new school, and a clique has been making my life totally miserable. One of the girls is also being all friendly with the guy I like, and they’re saying nasty things about me. What should I do?

~Jeannie

Jeannie,

Your new favorite word, mortal, is ‘subjugation’. Simply put, you need to do that to this ‘clique’ of which you speak. First, you must secure a position for yourself within the school and make allies (ones that are smart enough to follow you, but stupid enough to not question what you tell them to do). Then you must gather support before striking at this ‘clique’, and eliminating them as a threat. Some deaths are unavoidable, but leave as many alive as possible so that there will be someone to bow before you and serve as a human footstool. Once you have eliminated the threats, you may bring this young man to your throne and inform him that you are the girlfriend now, and will be an infinitely preferable companion to that wretch who had him in her grips before. If he tries to resist, there are many methods of cranial alteration, at least one of which will no doubt make him more compliant. After this demonstration, no one will dare to speak ill of you again.

I hope this has been helpful.

—Overlord

How to Write a Blog Post

1. Wake up in the morning. Make coffee. Dump chocolate into coffee. Drink chocolate-coffee concoction. 
2. Open page to livejournal. Stare at blank screen. 
3. Stare at blank screen some more. Open up Microsoft Word. Stare at that blank screen instead. 
4. Go for a walk. 
5. Come back. Stare at blank screen. 
6. Check Facebook. Leave when you start to get a nagging sense of betrayal. 
7. Type subject line of blog post. Stare at empty text box some more. 
8. Make tea. Wait while tea steeps. 
9. Type a paragraph. 
10. Pour tea, and begin drinking it. 
11. Do Google searches on things that may very well put you into the FBI watch list...in the name of research. 
12. Write half a paragraph summarizing Shiny New Idea. Delete it. 
13. Write another paragraph on blog. 
14. Delete draft on blog. 
15. Get called to save the world from an imminent invasion. 
16. Sit back down. 
17. Write list on how to write a blog post.

How being an undergrad is like being in a fantasy novel

—You are an unassuming young person who is snatched unwillingly from the comforts of home and forced into a strange new land. 
—You have a small group of loyal friends who accompany you on your journey. 
—The hopes and expectations of many rest upon your shoulders. 
—You go through long periods of cold, hunger, poverty, and sleep deprivation. 
—You carry a very heavy bag of stuff that pulls you down with every step. 
—You routinely rely on arcane knowledge in order to survive the next test. 
—Your ultimate fate lies in the hands of powerful and often unseen elders. 
—You have wise mentors who speak cryptically in order to assist you. 
—You frequently have to go on quests, seeking the aid of a distant helper, only to find that you must journey yet again to an even more distant locale. In such cases, you often carry some form of magical artifact, such as the Pink Slip of Power or the Mythical Request for Transcript.
—In the midst of all your trials, you turn to the small comforts that remind you of home—in other words, tea. 
—There are occasionally menacing figures who boom, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS."
—When you are finally done, and have achieved your goal, you are left in a stunned stupor—wondering how life can ever go back to the way it was, and what on earth you're going to do now. 
—After reflecting on your experiences, you decide to write a book about it. With some creative changes, of course. 

My iPhone Is Trying To Kill Me (or: A Shocking Experience)

No, not him.

Imagine it. It's the night after Christmas, and Unsuspecting Girl goes to plug in her dearly beloved iPhone (named Odile, for what it's worth). With one hand firmly wrapped around the iPhone--a layer of silicon between her hand and the phone in all but one spot, where her thumb barely touches the metal case--she reaches her other hand to plug her charger into a power strip. Then--BZZZAAAAAP--an audible crackle sounds in the air and zaps her poor, unsuspecting thumb. She jerks back, hoping that she just imagined it. Then she goes to do it again--BZZZAAAP. Now highly suspicious of her phone, she plugs it into the wall instead, and encounters no further dangers. 

Well. Yeah. As you may be able to tell, Unsuspecting Girl is me. For whatever reason, beloved Odile decided she wanted to kill me last night, and I have no idea why. Until last night, I hadn't had any problems with my iPhone shocking me--ever--and I tend to be a staticky person. But apparently Odile was feeling testy and decided to get back at me, hence the shock. I suspect it wasn't actually the outlet that was shocking me, but I have no proof of why it would do--well, anything. I've only ever been wonderfully kind to Odile, and in return she's given me 3G speeds whenever possible. 

I am, however, very leery of spending too much time with my iPhone now. This is bad, because I need it on my side. If it turns against me, well...let's just say I don't want it watching 2001 any time soon.

And, before you ask--no, I wasn't touching the prongs. 

(anthropomorphisation of technology done only for humorous purposes)

Awkward Moments

We all have some of those terribly, terribly awkward moments in which time itself seems to stop, as if to say, "Awkwardness alert! Awkwardness alert!" And, yet, somehow those moments keep coming. I have no idea how to slay the Awkwardness Fairy, and thus survive she does. With that in mind, I've compiled a list of Really Awkward Moments for your perusal (in no particular order). 

1. Family Reunions. You see, there's something inherently difficult about trying to remember the names of thirty-some relatives that you see all of once a year. In consequence, there's a lot of, "Hello!...you!..." going on, which is an instant recipe for awkwardness. And that's not including the nearly unavoidable "You've grown so much!" comments, which cease to be a compliment around age 13 and instead turn into a worrisome remark that sends probably 95% of teenage girls running to the mirror just to make sure...

2. Cases Where Life Imitates Art. I'm positive that people-who-are-not-me have also had the unsettling experience of realizing that Circumstance Whatever bears a striking resemblance to Novel Whatever. What was really surprising was when an entire conversation unfolded that was nearly a perfect paraphrase of another conversation out of a certain novel. It was highly unsettling, and made for a very interesting journal entry. And no, I won't tell you what it was, mostly because I scarcely remember it myself. Rest assured, though, that it was very entertaining. 

3. Moments of Awkward Affection--Familial Edition. Much like #1, and often taking place at such, you feel quite strongly that you should probably know this person that is expressing heartfelt sentiments towards you, and yet...just...can't...place...it...

3.2 Moments of Awkward Affection--Romantic Edition. Often juxtaposed with #2. Times when you're really, really sure that someone in your presence is flirting very heavily with someone else in your presence, and there's absolutely no way you, an innocent bystander, can possibly get out of it. Amount of awkwardness is usually directly proportional to the amount of time that said flirting takes place. Extra awkwardness if the flirter is getting no response from the flirtee, and therefore increases the amount of flirtatiousness to the point where you'd think the flirter was suffering from either seizures (from the rapidity of eye-blinks, undoubtedly intended to showcase the eyelashes of the flirter) or a mental disorder (from the various contortions in position intended to demonstrate the attractiveness of said flirter). Frequently, the only solution for this is to incredulously watch, laugh it off inwardly, and then write a blog post about it.

4. Making a joke about some piece of classic literature that, to you, seems patently obvious, only to have the receiver of the joke stare blankly at you for fully ten seconds before you break down and mumble something explanatory about the joke. This is frequently accompanied by a deep feeling of embarrassment at having made what you thought was an obvious joke and, thus, also embarrassing the receiver of the joke, as well as resentment that your joke-receiver didn't get THE MOST OBVIOUS JOKE IN THE WOOOOORLD. (this is frequently preeminently awkward only when the joker has been deprived of coffee, and therefore is utterly unreasonable in nearly every imaginable way)

5. Laughter At Inappropriate Times. This can be either obvious awkwardness, such as when someone in church misreads "immorality" as "immortality" or the like. In that case, though, it's less potent awkwardness because everyone heard it and everyone, then, is feeling awkward. The Most Potent Awkward, however, occurs when it's actually rooted in your own thoughts and feelings. For instance--if, hypothetically, someone made a reference that you found wholly ironic, and you were just barely restraining your laughter, and then looked up at a friend only to see a similar pinched look indicative of restrained chuckles, resulting in not one but two fits of half-choked laughs--yeah. Like that. Of course, full Awkward Potential is only achieved afterwards, when the person who expressed joy looks at you as if to say, "Was it something I said?" resulting in renewed hilarity. 

5.2 Laughter At Inappropriate Times--Being Made To Laugh While Taking A Drink. Self-explanatory. 

There are, obviously, many more subsets of Awkwardness, but these are the ones that--for one reason or another--seem to float around me half the time, and I have no idea why. By far the most obvious, however, is the latter, because--well, have you ever heard someone break out laughing when they had been physically clamping their jaw shut? It's not pretty. And it can hurt your neck. Plus, it's really hard to explain to people why you burst out laughing in the middle of a prayer, or a dramatic reading, or a conversation about the stock market.

Five Ways to Study

Since so many people have asked me over the past few days how I manage to run for president, go to school and avoid destroying the world all at the same time, I've decided to give everyone my top ten study tips. Everyone knows it's better to get lower grades than higher ones because then you don't have to live up to as many expectations, and suddenly that B- you didn't work for is a boon from the gods. Do you ever feel stressed out? Are you tired of having to live up to so many expectations?

Here's a way out. 

5. Daydream
No one really wants to listen to a prof when it's a beautiful day outside. What's the solution? Why, daydream, of course! You can be anyone anywhere at anytime--what could go wrong? Have a fellow student you really don't like? No longer is that person a student, but instead an alien warlord come to enslave earth, and only you and your spiffy Eraser of Doom can stop them. 

4. Doodle On Your Notebook
Tired of your same old notes? Easy! Get a nice big pen and start doodling dinosaurs and wiener dogs with antennae and wheels. Carnivorous sunflowers are also a favorite subject. Paper airplanes made out of math homework are also a good distraction. See if you can successfully launch the papyri equivalent of an F-14 over your professor's head, and you'll be golden!

3. Study With Friends 
It's a universally acknowledged fact that studying with friends, preferably good ones with whom you can talk about absolutely anything, is a sure-fire way to not actually study! Don't want to study European History? Great. Grab a friend or two and instead talk about the minute details of mathematics in its function as a religious organization (i.e. precalc!) including all of the ways in which you can answer the wrong thing!

2. Bake
Everyone knows that nutrition is of utmost importance for students, as it helps your brain to function at its peak. So, to this end, I recommend baking. There's nothing like a sugar-laden, chocolate-frosted fudge-filled powdered-sugar-sprinkled brownie to give a jolt to the old noggin! You get bonus points if you find a way to put caffeine in. Sure, it won't help you remember stuff, but it keeps you awake long enough to practice your flash cards while peeking through your fingers. 

1. Procrastinate
Why do procrastinate today when you can do it tomorrow? There are so many things to be done, and homework's pretty low on the list. Sure, you could study for that plant biology exam, but why do that when you could reread the appendices to Lord of the Rings? Alternatively, if that goes by too fast, teach yourself Quenya. When asked why you didn't get your PBio homework done, just say that you're expanding your cultural awareness. Alternatively, there are a variety of methods of avoidance, all of which I've practiced to an art. For example, a google search for "Calvin and Hobbes" reveals hours upon hours of side-achingly hilarious comics, all just begging to be read. 

And when you've done all that, you can still listen to random music from the Ancient World (read: 1970s) and get overly emotional. 



What? You were expecting ten? Oh, sorry. I got bored and quit. Besides, I started at #5, so if I put |10|, I'd have to go into negative numbers, and we wouldn't want that. No, I'm not Attention Deficit--ooh look, a kitten!--what was I saying?

ATTENTION: My lawyers are making me say that I am not responsible for your grades if you follow my advice. This post was supposed to be funny. I only follow my own advice when I can afford to. Don't do what I do, because I'm dumb. And if you get Cs on your next test, you can't say I didn't warn you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go slave over my studies again. Oh--and if you do decide to follow any of my advice, call me, and we'll procrastinate together.

Ode to the Lost Ones

All things considered, that's a REALLY grim subject line. This, however, is not a grim post. It is, in fact, silly and frivolous, so if you dislike silly and frivolous things...why are you reading this blog? (...wait, don't leave...) Anyway, I decided to resist the temptation to post lots of pictures oflittle grey kitties, and instead am going to post about something that I love that has now escaped my grasp forever. FOREVER, I tell you!

Once upon a time, there was a store. Let's call it...Bath and Body Works. Just on a whim, y'know, without any real basis in fact. Let's say that this store specialized in lotions and soaps and fragrances of lovely-smelling natures. One day, a girl...what should we call her? I know--let's call her Rachel. Anyway, one day Rachel strolled into Bath and Body Works without any real aim. Lo and behold, there was a sale going on! Well, Rachel liked sales, so she started looking in one of the bins that had a bright red 75% printed over it. Soon she came to a very pretty pink bottle that looked an awful lot like this:



It was called Blushing Cherry Blossom, she noticed as she saw the silvery letters printed on the front. She popped off the cap to see if she could catch a whiff of the fragrance...and was greeted with the pungent but sweet scent of an entire rose-garden condensed to one bottle. The beauty of that fragrance cannot be quite captured in words--but suffice it to say that there were at least two kinds of roses, violets, sandalwood and musk in the perfume...the kind of perfume that makes you just want to keep spraying it again and again so that you can keep smelling it for a very, very long time...mm...

Sorry. Where was I?

Right. AHEM.

So she bought the wonderful fragrance, and used it copiously over the next month or so. When she returned to buy a lotion in it as well...

...she was promptly informed that it was, in fact, discontinued.

After mourning the loss of the first fragrance she had found that had roses in it, she decided to ration her old bottle and search for a new, similar one. She found one that was different, but still rosy (by which I mean smelling akin to a rose) enough that she liked it as well.

Several months pass.

She got onto Facebook one morning and was greeted with the news that Bath and Body Works planned to discontinue certain fragrances. Her stomach began to sink as she clicked on it...



...indeed, P.S. I Love You was the next rose-based fragrance on the chopping block.

Poor Rachel soon found that there was a great conspiracy to discontinue every single fragrance that she loved...or at least she felt like it. The moral of the story, kids, is to not get too attached to fragrances, even if they do smell wonderfully like an entire rose-bush sitting in a bottle--and should your fragrance be discontinued, you must accept it gracefully and not do the amount of moaning that our (entirely fictional character) Rachel did. (Of course, you can also buy an extra bottle of the stuff that's being discontinued and then keep it tucked away for very special occasions, like Wednesdays and just after finals, but I digress.)

But if they discontinue Moonlight Path, I'm suing.

Attack of the Homicidal Unicorn

I've always wanted to write a children's book just so I could put in something about a murderous unicorn--but that would make it rather un-children's-book-like, wouldn't it?

Unicorns, those nearly universal symbols of childhood mythology and fairy-tales, have resurfaced in a startling way throughout the past couple of years. Although there have been references to good unicorns as late as Narnia, unicorns have begun to show up in, er, other formats. Let's go to the ever-reliable ThinkGeek website, for example.


See here.

This is, obviously, unicorn meat. At least, it's labeled as unicorn meat, anyway.


See here.

And this is an "avenging unicorn" toy. From the description on McPhee's website: "Everyone wants an imaginary unicorn friend that they can call forth to smite their enemies. The Avenging Unicorn Play Set has everything you need to use the power of the unicorn to rid your life of irritations." (ibid.) In other words, this is a unicorn that will impale you with its horn (which you can change, by the way, to be several different types!).

So, I ask you, what could have caused this inexplicable change in focus, where our friend the unicorn is concerned? Well, I don't know. It seems to work this way in fiction, though--I mean, nowadays we've got loads upon loads of antiheroes/fallen angels fighting for good/vegetarian vampires/whatnot, so it's really no surprise that some people decided to take the unicorn and turn it on its horn. People rewrite or reinvent mythologies for themselves all the time, and the unicorn just happens to be one of those.

Besides. What did you think that horn was for, anyway? (cue "Psycho" violins)